The family sits around one of the many tables of their hostel, eating improvised muesli with a touch of local honey. The sun is slowly breaking through a bit of mist shrouding the pristine mountains. A castle looms in the distance and in their hearts.
Mother: How shall we go about seeing Liechtenstein? It’s a pretty small place, and the hotels are very pricey.
Father: We had talked about staying across the border and taking a bus in each day to look around.
Child1: I kind of feel that if we don’t spend the night in a country, we haven’t really been there.
Mother: But as I said, there aren’t that many hotel options, and they’re pretty expensive.
Child2: What if we fly the whole country in some kind of improvised hot air balloon?
Father: Okay. That’s an option.
Child3: Or we could tunnel under the country. Then we could sleep in a cave!
Father: Also an option. But what about walking?
Mother: How do you mean?
Father: What if we just walked across the country?
Lightning crashes, thunder rumbles in the distance, a windowpane rattles. The lights dim briefly.
Children: Do what?!?!
Father: Just walk across. From Austria, through Liechtenstein, and into Switzerland.
Mother: [gasp] What about the children?
Father: The children will manage. We won’t have to help them.
The lights dim as the children look puzzled, Mother looks stricken, and Father chuckles to himself.
As the lights come up, we see the family outfitted with all of their backpacks, walking past quaint Austrian cottages, chatting happily to one another. Suddenly, Mother stops, looks at her map, and does an about-face to take the gravel path that seems to lead straight up the mountain. The autumnal colors and flawless blue sky are not enough of a distraction to cover the sudden increase in strain.
Child2: Papa, I thought you said the route was flat.
Father: I did.
Child3: Then why are we going up this hill?
Father: Ask your mother.
Child2 and Child3: Mama?!?!
Mother: I thought this route would be prettier.
Child1: But did you look at the topographical map? Remember what happened last time we didn’t look at a topographical map?
The scene zooms in and out menacingly.
Mother: Um… I guess not.
They climb on, only a little daunted.
Father: I’ll take over navigating, now.
Mother: But we’re at the top of the hill; it’s all downhill from here!
Father: Yes. Exactly…. [speaking more loudly] Boys, I’m taking over now. We’ll be going downhill now.
Children: Yay!
Mother: [mumbled] Unbelievable.
The scene fades with mother's exasperation, the children skipping down the hill with renewed vigor, and the idyllic alps in the distance.
Lights come up to show the family sitting in a heap by the side of a surprisingly industrial-looking highway. The mountains float above a layer of urban sprawl, each attempting to make a mockery of the other. The family looks hungry, and in a mere three or four weeks without food, they could possibly die.
Child1: What are we going to have for lunch?
Father: Liechtenstein-ish food, of course.
Child2: What is that?
Father: Um… I’m not really sure…
Mother: [Looking at her map] I found an American 50’s Diner just five kilometers ahead!
Child2: Um… Will they have Liechtenstein-ish food?
Father: Well, no, probably not… But they’ll have milkshakes.
Children: Milkshakes!!!
Father: I guess that settles that.
Mother: I was just kidding.
Father: Well, I guess you should have thought of that before you offered the kids milkshakes.
Mother: I didn’t! You did!
Father: I guess you should have thought of it first. Five kilometers, you said?
As the scene fades, it becomes clear that exasperated-with-her-husband is a veritable state of being for this forlorn mother, made even more poignant by the fact that her husband is writing this and will soon ask her to proofread it, cautioning her not to make any changes that would make her seem less exasperated.
The lights come up to show tacky Americana in its natural state... a cheap, dirty 50's Diner tucked into a painfully generic petrol station all visually squished below a majestic mountain that looks condemningly at the nonsense going on below it... while at the same time yearning for a mountain-sized milkshake.
The family sits around a formica table worn smooth from use. Two milkshakes are being passed around and their merits compared.
Child3: Why aren’t we sleeping in Liechtenstein, again?
Father: Because it is so tiny, there’s no room for beds.
Mother: [eye roll] Because it is really expensive, dear.
Child3: So where are we staying tonight.
Mother: In Switzerland.
Child3: Is it cheaper in Switzerland?
Mother and Father look at each other.
Mother: I guess we haven’t really checked. I’ll look for a hotel now…
Milkshake slurping sounds.
Mother: Oh… Um… Well, it looks like Switzerland is expensive, too.
Child1: What country is next if we keep walking?
Father: France, I think.
Child1: Maybe we should just keep walking…
Father: Um… I think that is a bit too far… I wonder if we should have looked into this before…
Child3: So is there no reason why we are walking all this way.
Mother: Hush, dear, and drink your milkshake.
Child2: I just realized something. Couldn’t we have taken the train?
Child1: And isn’t that a bus stop right over there?
Father: Enschuldigung! More milkshakes, bitte!
The scene closes as Father frantically attempts to buy his children's quiet, compliance, and love with cheap cream and sugar.
The scene opens with blurry alps in the distance, tacky industrial buildings, a smokestack... and a bridge.
Child3: Is that it, papa?
Father: Yes, just a little farther…
Child2: What will it be like? Entering Switzerland?
Child1: Nirvana! Three countries in one day; that should be worth nirvana!
Father: Possibly, I suppose…
Child3: I might just fall down in a daze. It’s all so much.
Mother: I think you are all just experiencing the effects of too many milkshakes.
She looks meaningfully at her well-intentioned, but greatly flawed, husband.
Father: I don’t know; we’ll just have to keep walking and see.
Child2: Well, when we get to the bridge, we’ll at least get to put down our packs and rest for the night.
Father: Um, well, kind of. It’s another couple kilometers to the nearest hotel.
Children: What!?!?
Father: Did you think there was a hotel at the midpoint of the bridge.
The children begin to sputter and respond, but Mother lifts a graceful and placating hand.
Mother: Children, peace. Your father is well-intentioned but often fails to fully think things through. Let’s forgive him all of his many, many failings. Let’s have a hug and head on to Switzerland together.
The children nod mutely and come in for a hug. Over their heads, Father gives Mother a meaningful look.
Father: Well played.
The family continues across the bridge into Switzerland and finds an overpriced budget hotel. They eat expensive but excellent Thai food and wake in the morning to compare Swiss pastries to Austrian pastries. They may never know how Liechtenstein-ish pastries would compare, as they never intend to return.
Quite a walk for American milkshakes but all part of the adventure.
Merry Christmas and safe travels for next year.
I think you guys are all awesome. What an amazing accomplishment.
I enjoyed the Sound of Music intro- lol. Not everyone can say that they walked across an entire country in a day!